The EMH Program!
by Elly And The Gundam Wing Fan
Summary: Starring Voyager's EMH! And those other guys... COMPLETE
1. First

Disclaimer: Don't own it… don't claim to… don't plan to… don't sue.

The EMH Program (Yay!) 

Starring: Voyager's Emergency Medical Hologram!  (Woo-hoo!)

And… those _other_ people…

            The artificial carnation had drooped a little to the left again, throwing off the whole flower arrangement.  Voyager's EMH regarded the vase sternly, trying to prop the rebel plant into its appropriate place.  He stepped back to admire the bouquet when the carnation tipped over… again.

            "Computer, replicate another carnation." The doctor grumbled.  "And make sure it's not so _flimsy_ this time!"

            The new, improved, sturdier flower was placed into the vase, and the mischievous carnation was thrown aside as garbage.  The arrangement was perfect now!

            "_That_ should brighten up sickbay!" The EMH concluded briskly, looking proud of himself.

            "Ah, Doctor," B'Elanna greeted him as she strode into sickbay.

            "Good morning, Lieutenant." The EMH replied, anxiously waiting for her to notice the decorating he had just finished.

            "It's 0900," She continued walking, passing by the floral arrangement without a second glance.  "And you had me scheduled for a checkup."

            "Of course!" The hologram moved himself next to the vase, hoping to bring attention to it.  "I was just thinking… does sickbay seem different to you today?"

            B'Elanna inhaled slowly as she scanned her surroundings.  "No.  But you would know better… you spend more time in here."

            "Ah."

            The doctor escorted B'Elanna out of sickbay, declaring her and the expected baby to be in perfect health.  The doors closed, and sickbay was abandoned again… except for the holographic resident.

            "Computer," The EMH sat down, feeling discouraged.  "Begin Chief Medical Officer's log."

            "Activated." The mechanical voice said.

            The doctor cleared his throat a few times before beginning.  "Although I have spent an _extensive_ amount of time trying to make sickbay more aesthetically pleasing to my patients… well, the changes seem to have gone unnoticed so far." He got up and began pacing thoughtfully.  "Not that Lieutenant Torres is the defining authority on decorative matters.  Have you _seen_ her and Lieutenant Paris' quarters?  And her tastelessness transcends mere decorating skills." He began waving his arms in expression.  "She's blunt, proud… and can be a remarkably difficult person.  I wouldn't even put up with her if I didn't know how much she depends on me."

            Cheered by his last statement, the EMH plucked the vase of flowers from its shelf and started searching for a more conspicuous spot.  "It's common knowledge," He continued recording the log.  "That if it weren't for _me_, she and Tom would never have gotten together.  It was my… _expert_ advice that gave them the confidence to pursue a relationship.  Of course, _they_ won't admit something like that because they're alike in that aspect… proud.  But I know they'd be _lost_ if not for me."

            During the course of the ranting, the new carnation had tilted into an unattractive angle.  The doctor could only sigh and begin again.

            "Fix it!" It was already a busy morning for B'Elanna Torres.  She was occupied with a multitude of minor glitches and errors, but she would have to remedy them all before Voyager was operating healthily again.  "Just… fix it."

            "It's beyond my expertise," An ensign explained to her.  "I think it's going to require _your_ attention."

            B'Elanna collected herself.  "Then you're going to have to add it to the list.  I've already got enough work to keep me busy until we _drift_ back to the Alpha Quadrant."

            "It can't be _that_ bad." Chakotay approached her, looking mildly amused.

            "Commander," She gritted her teeth.  "You're just in time…" She flipped through a stack of PADDs distractedly.  "To do _this_!" She handed one of them to him.  "_Now_ do you think it's funny?"

            Chakotay looked at the PADD seriously.  "What makes you think I can fix the plasma manifold?"

            "Just do it… it's not like you've got anything more _important_ to do."

            "True… engineering is the only busy place on the ship today." He smiled 'that' smile.  A random ensign girl spotted 'the' smile and fainted dead away.

            B'Elanna watched her drop, disgust playing on her features.  "Somebody take her to sickbay."

            "What's that for?" Harry was slumped across his console.  There was nothing to do today… except maybe in engineering.

            Tom was putting the finishing touches on an adjustment he had made to his seat.  "_This_ is called a seatbelt!  I tried to model it after the kinds they had in the twentieth century.  Quaint, isn't it?"

            "There is no need for that on a Federation starship." Tuvok said distastefully.

            "Plus, the captain's going to be really mad when she sees how you've disfigured her bridge." Harry glanced towards the captain's ready-room as if he expected her to emerge that very second.

            "Nah." Tom sat in his chair and tested the belt.  "In fact, she'll probably want one for herself after she sees how _useful_ this is.  I wonder why nobody ever thought of it before this?"

            "Your optimism has no basis in logic.  The captain will not approve." Tuvok was only engaging in this conversation because he was sick of watching the little lights on his console blink on and off.  It had been such a boring day.  That was about all he had gotten to do so far.

            "I think it looks dumb." Harry sniffled.

            "You're just jealous…" Tom said, clicking and un-clicking the seatbelt joyfully.  "Because you don't have one.  Heck, you don't even have a _chair_!"

            Harry looked stern.  "Even if I did, I _still_ wouldn't want a seatbelt for it."

            A muffled scream was heard from the captain's ready-room.  Tom, Harry, and Tuvok abandoned their argument to see what was going on in there.

            "I already had a headache… did I really need _this_?" Janeway complained to the three officers that had came to her rescue.

            "So you ordered coffee from the replicator," Tuvok was gathering the facts blandly.  "But you got _these_ instead?"

            Tom had a pile of the buttons in his hand.  "But why… rank buttons?  Why did the replicator decide to make _hundreds_ of rank buttons?"

            (A/N: I grew up calling them buttons… live with it.)

            "Maybe it thinks today is a good day for a promotion?" Harry said hopefully.  He put his hand on his collar, lamenting the fact that he only had one button… after all this time.

            Janeway laughed good-naturedly.  "Thanks Ensign, I needed that."

            "But I'm serious!" Harry whined.  "_Tom_ got promoted and _he's_ a criminal!"

            "Hey, watch it!" Tom said sensitively.

            "I just think it's time all my hard work paid off." Harry folded his arms childishly.  "It's not like you don't have enough buttons to go around."

            Janeway moved a few of the buttons that had overflowed out of the replicator with her foot.  "It's not that I don't appreciate you.  You just have to understand that there is a certain… structure to a command chain."

            Harry looked like he might cry.  "The computer did this to _taunt_ me!"

            "Hee hee hee." The computer commented nastily.

            "Oh, no." Tom despaired.  "Not _this_ again.  Why can't we have a normal computer like all the other starships?"

            "Why can't I have a normal crew like all the other computers?" The computer mocked.

            "Why can't I _ever_ have a nice peaceful day?" Janeway wailed.  "_I_ never get to sleep in!  _I_ never get to goof off!  _I_ never get a vacation day!"

            "I'll be captain for you!" Harry offered.

            Tuvok shook his head, almost rolling his eyes.  "If you had been paying attention for the last six years, you would have noticed that Commander Chakotay would be in charge if the captain was out of commission."

            "I know." Harry's eyes welled up again.  "I _hate_ Chakotay!  What makes him so special?"

            "Well there is 'that' smile…" Janeway mused.  She cleared her throat uncomfortably upon noticing the evil looks coming from Harry.

            "I knew it!" Harry stormed.  "It's because he's better looking than me, isn't it?  That's not _fair_!"

            "I _know_!" The computer chimed in, sounding choked up.  "I have my charms too, you know?  I _can_ be charming!"

            Janeway looked perplexed.  "I was _kidding_.  Getting promoted has _nothing_ to do with being good looking!"

            "Of course not!" Tom nodded seriously.  "Or else _I_ would be captain!"

            "If it were based upon appearance," Tuvok looked thoughtful.  "_I_ would be the highest ranking officer.  Not _you_ Lieutenant Paris."

            "This is ridiculous." Janeway looked faint.  "And this is the kind of crap I put up with everyday… I _do_ need a vacation!"

            The three officers turned to her in disbelief.

            "You mean," Harry ventured timidly.  "You _want_ some time off?"

            The captain considered shrewdly.  "I think I deserve it."

            "Wow." Tom smiled a little.  "Well, I think it's a great idea… do you want me to start working on the arrangements for you?  There's nothing else to do _today_."


	2. Next

            "You can't _see_ it?" The doctor looked slightly furious.

            "No," Neelix replied honestly.  "What am I supposed to notice?"

            "Are you _sure_ there's nothing different about sickbay today?"

            "Sorry, Doctor."

            "Then go away." The EMH pointed towards the door rudely.  "I thought that _you_ out of all the oblivious people on this ship _might_ notice all the hard work I've done.  Shoo!"

            The Talaxian left, wondering what was wrong with the hologram.

            The doors shut, a very familiar sound after six tedious years serving as the only professional doctor on Voyager.  The EMH regarded his flower vase unhappily, wondering how to make it more noticeable.  He began replicating more flowers, adding to the arrangement gradually.

            "Activate Medical Officer's log." He prepared to vent again.  "That's four patients today… and _none_ of them commented on this lovely vase.  I thought Neelix might have appreciated this display, but it appears I was mistaken.  Next time I'll remember that there's never a good enough reason to _invite_ Neelix to sickbay… he comes too often as it is.  He's always dropping by to visit the ill.  Doesn't he realize he's responsible for more than seventy percent of Voyager's sicknesses?  One of the only reasons I'm glad to be a hologram, is that I've never had to sample any of Neelix's cooking.  I'm not immune to his chronic cheerfulness, however, and that is almost enough to make _me_ sick.  Ah well, I suppose it's not as bad as the stomach troubles I've seen inflicted upon the rest of the crew by that overly-spirited Talaxian's main dishes."

            The bouquet had increased to nearly twice its original size.  "Magnificent!" The EMH commented upon his creation.  "As indicated," He finished his log, now in a better mood.  "It is my professional opinion that one's health is greatly compromised when in the company of Neelix _or_ his cooking."

            Plop!

            "You did it again, didn't you?" B'Elanna was mad.  "That's it!  She was the last girl working in engineering today!  Now I have no help… except for the guys, but they're all lazy."

            It looked as if an epidemic had hit engineering, leaving all the female crewmembers in the area strewn about the ground.  In truth, they had all fallen victim to 'the' smile.

            "Are you listening, Chakotay?" B'Elanna continued ranting.  "Look what you've done, man!"

            "♫Oops, I did it again!♫" Chakotay sang, jamming to a walkman he was listening to.

            The Klingon stared, wondering how long she'd be confined to the brig if she killed him.  "I don't believe this.  One slow day on the ship and you become a maniac." She removed the earphones forcefully.

            "What?" The commander looked longingly at his confiscated earphones.  "I was just listening to some twentieth century music… it rocks."

            "Well, while you were goofing off, I've been busy!  And you've paralyzed all the female crewmembers that know anything about engineering!"

            He glanced around innocently.  "What?  What'd I do?"

            "Get out!" B'Elanna pointed, wishing this day would just get over with.

            "You have to wait until _just_ the right moment!" Neelix explained.  "Timing is the most important factor when baking cookies.  You want them to be _exactly_ the right texture."

            "I am becoming impatient." Seven of Nine was staring into the oven wistfully, a spoon of uncooked dough in her hand.  "Baking confections takes too… long."

            "Lots of people feel that way!" The Talaxian laughed.  "But I promise it's worth the wait!"

            Seven licked the spoon thoughtfully.  "I do not see the purpose of baking them anyway.  This tastes fine uncooked."

            "I agree!  But _cooked_ cookies are more presentable… they make great presents!"

            "Who would give something like this _away_?  I've spent too much time in this kitchen!  These cookies should be for me!" She made her point by shaking the spoon.

            Neelix sighed in good humor.  "From what I've learned after spending so much time with humans," He leaned towards her conspiratorially.  "It seems to be a custom for women to bake desserts for the men they fancy!  Maybe _you_ should try something like that?"

            Something approaching a snort escaped the Borg.  "What would be the purpose?"

            "Expanding your social life!  Make some friends… or maybe something more, eh?"

            "I do not seek a relationship.  However, I do want possession of these cookies."

            "Come on, Seven!" He folded his arms.  "Just try it!  You might be surprised what kind of reaction you get!"

            She took another taste off the spoon, looking away uncomfortably.  "I will… attempt it.  Is it against the traditional behavior to only offer one cookie and save the rest for oneself?"

            Neelix raised both his eyebrows.  "I'd bring more than one.  Listen, I'll help you prepare a kind of platter.  This is going to be great, Seven!"

            She looked doubtful, returning to her vigil over the oven.

            "Now _this_ is ridiculous…" The doctor frowned upon receiving a new shipment of fainted girls.

            "You don't have to tell me!" B'Elanna deposited the last ensign onto an examination table.  "Just revive them so they can get back to work."

            "Should I even ask _why_ they lost consciousness so suddenly?" He began scanning the nearest woman.

            "Apparently, they're all victim to 'the' smile." She exhaled with irritation.  "I don't have time to chat… I'm going to have to cover for all their workloads until you send them back… please hurry, Doc." She exited, a little ungraceful from being angry.

            "Humph.  'The' smile…" The EMH repeated with exasperation.  "Computer, activate log!"

            "Activated."

            "I wish someone would explain to me what's so interesting about Commander Chakotay." He spoke into the recording, treating the fainted crewmembers without enthusiasm.  "I mean seriously… why doesn't anybody faint when _I_ smile?" He smiled into a mirror just to check and see if he was faint-worthy yet.  "Hm.  Well at least _my_ forehead doesn't look like somebody scribbled on it with a magic marker.  What is _up_ with that, anyway?" He asked demandingly from one of the passed out girls.  "And don't tell me that all that dark hair is appealing because I happen to know that a little baldness is attractive in a man!"

            He began grumbling evilly while escorting one of the awake crewmen out of sickbay.  He was so frustrated; he even forgot to ask her if she noticed something different in sickbay today.  "Okay maybe that last bit's not true…" He admitted to the log.  "But if it came down to personality I would _definitely_ win!  Chakotay is shallowly loyal!  He would follow the captain into the Fourth Sun of Renos without a second thought.  And all he seems to do lately is sit in that chair on the bridge and say 'yes Captain' over and over and over.  At least _I'm_ valuable… right Ensign?"

            The Ensign's eyes widened, disoriented from just waking up.  "Right what?"

            "Forget it… but keep this in your pockets at all times." He handed her an old fashioned bottle of smelling salts.  "You never know when disaster might strike."

            "AHAHAHAHAHA!" Tom cheered.  "We're going warp nine!  I _love_ going warp nine!  Why don't we go warp nine more often?"

            "We're just testing the ship's capabilities…" Janeway looked bored.  "Don't get used to this Lieutenant… and stop yelling.  This is a test… this is _only_ a test…"

            "Of the emergency broadcasting system?" Harry began cracking up at his own expense.

            "What?" Chakotay turned around to look at him.

            "Oh… old world humor… sorry." Harry cleared his throat and resumed pushing buttons.

            Seven of Nine walked onto the bridge, carrying a plate.  She started looking around the room, eyeing each guy in turn.

            "_Yes_, Seven?" Janeway blinked.

            She didn't answer, but marched over to Chakotay with a purposeful look on her face.  She stared at him as if she didn't know what to do next.

            "_Yes_, Seven?" He looked at her, halfway wondering if he was about to be assimilated.

            "Would you like a cookie?" She said awkwardly.  "I… made them."

            Chakotay looked surprised.  "Um… not now, Seven."

            "But I spent so much time _baking_!" She tried to remember Neelix's advice.  "Don't you _like_ me?"

            "This is the _bridge_!" Janeway reminded the Borg.  "No munchies on the bridge!" She pointed to a list on the wall that said 'NO MUNCHIES ON THE BRIDGE!'

            "You are hampering my social life!" Seven scolded the captain.  "Now eat a cookie, Commander!"

            Janeway gave Chakotay a 'don't you dare' look.

            "I'm going to have to pass." Chakotay explained sheepishly.

            Seven looked momentarily crushed.  "Fine.  You are not the _only_ man on the bridge." She strolled over to Tuvok.

            "I do not want a cookie… whatever it is." Tuvok put a hand up to stop her advancement.

            "But Neelix said you'd be receptive!" Seven despaired.  "Since you're all interested in my growth as an individual you should be humoring me!"

            Tuvok sighed eerily.  "Is this a _human_ tradition?  Because my observations would prove that I am not a good candidate for your experimentation."

            "Why not?"

            "I am married."

            Seven considered.  "This… cookie business is really _serious_!  You'd think I was proposing marriage!"

            "Well…" Janeway looked a little less bored.  "Why _else_ would you bring desserts to a guy?"

            "I had no idea this was so _hard_." Seven sniffled, approaching Harry determinedly.  "Do _you_ want a cookie?"

            Harry looked at the plate nervously.  "You know, Seven… it really _does_ mean something romantic when you bring cookies to someone."

            She lifted an eyebrow as if to ask, 'so?'

            "I just don't think of you that way." Harry nodded cheerfully.

            "Hm." She frowned a little bit, concentrating on what course of action to take.

            "No offense…" Harry kept smiling.

            She maintained silence, staring at the ensign coldly.

            Harry began to shrink away.  "Why don't you just go ask Chakotay again?"

            Seven looked downward at the baked goods, contemplating the three rejections.  Suddenly, an idea occurred and she picked up a cookie between two fingers.  "Harry," She smiled, lifting the cookie up to face level.  "It's the Starship Enterprise!" She pointed at the cookie with her other hand, an open mouthed grin plastered on her face.

            "Uhhhh…" The ensign was confused.

            She began waving the cookie to and fro enticingly.  "Look at the Starship Enterprise!  It's looking for a docking port!" With this she pointed at his mouth, winking.

            "Uhhhh…"

            "Open the docking bay doors!" She continued, making the cookie fly towards his mouth.

            "Just eat the damn cookie so we don't have to watch this anymore." Chakotay grumbled.

            Harry opened his mouth obediently.  Seven popped the Starship Enterprise in and then returned to her natural self.  "Is it acceptable?" She set the platter on his console and folded her arms behind her back.

            "It's good…" Harry said through chocolate chips.  "You did good, Seven."

            "Do you require another?"

            He thought about it.  "You know, I wouldn't mind!"

            "Look!" She picked up another cookie.  "It's the USS Excelsior!  And it's _docking_!"

            "Uh… Seven, you don't have to do that… just give me the cookie!"

            "Open the docking bay doors!"

            "Give me the cookie."

            "Open the doors." She looked sternly.  "Or else I'll decide this relationship is getting off on the wrong foot."

            "Relationship?!  Give me that cookie… _give_ it!"

            "Why don't _you_ ever do that?" Chakotay asked the captain, pointing at Seven flying the cookie around.

            "What?  You want _me_ to do _that_?" Janeway watched Harry snatch the cookie from the Borg.

            "Sure, why not?" The commander nodded.

            "It's… weird…"

            Suddenly, Tom Paris' eyes grew extremely wide.  He gasped as he snapped his new seat belt on and then pushed a conspicuous red button violently.  The ship made the extreme transition from warp nine to a complete stop.

            "Ahhhhh!" Everybody on the bridge (except for Tom, he had his seatbelt on, smart boy) flew to the front of the ship, landing under the view screen in an undignified heap.

            "Transporter room," Tom tapped his comm-badge hectically.  "Beam up these coordinates now!" And then he un-strapped his belt and dashed off the bridge.

            "Ow…" Janeway complained, shoving Tuvok off of her.  "What was _that_ for?"

            "No…" Harry began wailing.  "My _cookie_!  Chakotay rolled on it!"

            "Your loss is minor," Seven said, crawling out of the pile with her arms.  "He also crushed all _my_ cookies… and me.  Get off, Commander."

            There was a moment of awkward struggling and flailing limbs, but eventually everybody was standing again.

            "All those hours… wasted." Seven lamented.  "What do you have to say for yourself?"

            "Sorry," Chakotay was dusting crumbs off his uniform.  "But I think Tom is to blame… what did he do that for?"

            "I want my cookie." Harry said in a soft voice.

            "I want my hairbrush!" Janeway said, trying to fix her hair with her fingers.  "What if we suddenly made first contact?  I can't look like _this_!"

            "You look fine." Chakotay continued to brush away cookie fragments.

            Harry looked murderous.  "Don't be so casual!  Give me my COOKIE!" He grabbed Chakotay by the collar.

            "Return my cookies." Seven added blandly, shaking the commander by the arm.

            "FORGET THE COOKIES!" Janeway ordered.  "Where's Tom?  I've got to talk to him."

            Just as suddenly as he had left, Paris ran back to the scene of the crime looking immensely jolly.

            "Explain yourself, Lieutenant." Janeway said dangerously.

            Tom smiled and held up a tiny, shiny object.  "Can you believe it?  There was a _nickel_ out there!  This baby's worth five cents, Captain!"

            "You stopped the ship for _that_?" Chakotay seemed to hold his breath, lest violent urges escape him.

            "Yeah, isn't it _cool_?" Tom flipped the coin in the air, catching it deftly.

            "My baking was worth a great deal more than five cents." Seven pouted.  "And I'd almost won over Mr. Kim, too."

            "The ship's safety is worth more than that trinket, as well." Janeway scolded.  "I thought you were more responsible, Tom."

            Tom looked chagrined.  "This is a historical object from _Earth_.  Don't we _want_ historical objects?"

            "Not at the expense of our _health_!" Harry said, rubbing a bruise he had just obtained.

            Seven sensed an opportunity.  "Neelix has also informed me that applying medical aid to somebody is a good step towards a relationship.  I believe I have such equipment in the cargo bay."

            "Why do you want a boyfriend all off a sudden?" Harry edged away from her.  "And why me?"

            "Seeing as my first two choices resulted in a failed attempt," She tightened her jaw.  "You are the obvious target."

            "I'm your _third_ choice?" He looked insulted.

            Janeway held up her hands.  "Get back to work everybody… and remember to keep your priorities straight next time, Mr. Paris."


	3. And Then

            As if things weren't already hectic enough, _now_ the engineering crew had to collect all their equipment that had suddenly gone flying when the ship had stopped.  Not to mention several of the team had been beat up in the incident, reducing the amount of working individuals a great deal.

            "This can't be happening." B'Elanna concluded, shaking her head.  "I must just be dreaming."

            "A bunch of circuits blew when we came to full stop." An assistant handed her a report of the _new_ damages they would be working on.

            "Great." She heaved sarcastically.  "I quit."

            "Cheer up, Lieutenant," The assistant comforted.  "At least the Commander's not down here singing Britney Spears tunes anymore!"

            She allowed a smile to escape.  "True enough.  I was really going to strangle him!"

            "Were not!"

            "You better believe it!" B'Elanna boasted, resuming her work with a bit more cheer.  "What, you don't think I could take Chakotay?  I _do_ have some Klingon rage stored up!"

            "Horrors!" The EMH knelt over his wasted flower vase.  It had flown to the far end of sickbay and exploded into a billion fragments when Tom hit the brakes.  "I'll have to start from _scratch_!"

            He started cleaning up the mess, feeling another rant coming on.  "Activate log!"

            "Activated."

            "Harry Kim!" He began, preparing a flood of insults.  "Harry Kim… is… Harry… let's come back to Harry, shall we?  Tom Paris!  Aha!  Tom Paris has just destroyed my floral arrangement!  Of all the inconsiderate things he's done this might just be the worst." The doctor seemed oblivious to the damage caused by the sudden stop across the entire ship.  "It seems every family has its prankster, and _ours_ is undoubtedly Mr. Paris.  He'll stoop to anything for a cheap laugh, which really irritates me.  I don't think there's a soul on this ship that hasn't fallen victim to that scoundrel's practical jokes."

            He swept up the last bits of glass and began to start decorating anew.  "Not that he's _all_ bad, of course.  Being the astute observer that I am, I can see the positive side in _all_ my acquaintances, and Tom _is_ helpful during his shifts as my medical assistant.  It's been interesting to watch him reform over the course of this voyage… of course his repentance is mostly thanks to _me_.  I've given him goals to strive for… a personality to emulate." The EMH sighed.  "He gets all his _best_ traits from me!"

            Again consoled by his bragging, the doctor was able to focus on reconstructing his lost decoration.

            "I failed." Seven of Nine slumped across a table in the mess hall.  "And not only that… I lost the cookies."

            "Well tell me about it." Neelix sympathized.  "What exactly went wrong?"

            She tightened her lips mournfully.  "Commander Chakotay and Tuvok didn't want to violate bridge regulations.  And Mr. Kim is only interested in _eating_."

            "You took that tray to the _bridge_?" Neelix asked, a light in his eyes.  "Oh Seven, that's not exactly what I had in mind for you to do!  You have to do these sorts of things in private… catch somebody when they're off duty."

            "You might have mentioned that _before_ I humiliated myself."

            "Don't worry, there'll be plenty of opportunities!  Now how about I teach you how to bake a double-layer chocolate mousse cake?"

            She nodded slowly.  "It is not efficient to give up too quickly.  I will adapt."

            "Sure you will!  Now let's get started!"

            "You've got a crumb in your hair." Janeway pointed.

            Chakotay brushed the top of his head.  "Did I get it?"

            "No, it's still there." She tried not to laugh.  "How did you manage to ruin _all_ of Seven's cookies anyway?"

            "It wasn't my intention." He replied, shaking his head slightly to be rid of the crumb.

            "Still there.  Want me to get it?"

            He ran both his hands through his hair.

            "Still there." Janeway shook her head.  "I don't have any food in _my_ hair, do I?"

            "Since when were you so worried about your _hair_?" He smiled 'that' smile.  A random girl on the bridge fainted abruptly.

            "I don't think it's a crumb, after all." Janeway ignored the girl and squinted her eyes.  "In fact, it's a button!"

            Harry could be heard sniffling in the back.

            "Oh… where'd _that_ come from?"

            "The computer went haywire and spat out a couple hundred of these today." She explained, plucking the button off her first officer's head.  "I didn't know what to do with them, so I just let them sit there.  This one must have rolled in here."

            "We can't just let them go to _waste_!" Harry wailed.

            Tom shrugged.  "I agree.  We should _do_ something with them."

            The command team looked unconvinced.

            "We could make a sort of… holiday out of them… everybody gets promoted for the day or something." Tom elaborated.  "That would be fun."

            "This is not a matter to make _fun_ of, Tom." Janeway reasoned.

            "Come on, Captain." Harry pleaded.  "Today's been so boring… _please_?"

            "_Anything_ would be better than watching these lights blink on and off." Tuvok agreed.

            "It would be good for morale." Chakotay ventured.

            "It seems I'm outnumbered." Janeway said.  "Okay… Tuvok can be in charge of passing the buttons out… but make sure you tell everybody that it's just for the day."

            "Yes, Captain." Tuvok said, happy to be escaping his console.  "I will start now." He took the button she was holding and affixed it to his own collar.  "Interesting…"

            A while later:

            "And that's the last button." Tuvok said.  "The crew has found this to be a reason to be in high-spirits."

            "Good." Janeway nodded.  "But why didn't _I_ get one of these temporary promotions?"

            "Because you are already captain." Tuvok reasoned.

            "Hm." The captain considered.  "But now it looks like we're _both_ captain." She pointed at Chakotay.  "That doesn't work."

            "I used every last button." It didn't occur to anybody that they could just replicate the extra.

            "HEY!" Harry bolted onto the bridge from wherever he had been.  "I didn't get a button!"

            "I was as thorough as is possible." Tuvok explained.  "There are no more buttons to give."

            "No!" Harry cried.  "This is so _wrong_!"

            "It's just for fun, Harry!  Lighten up." Janeway walked over to him.

            "But it was _my_ idea!"

            "Actually, it was _mine_." Tom reminded him.  "I'm just so clever!  Like when I thought up this seat belt."

            "I'll make it up to you later." Janeway surprised everybody by snatching Harry's single button.  "HAHA!  Now I can be Super Captain!"

            "Super Captain?" Chakotay looked skeptical.

            The captain installed the fifth button.  "Of course.  I have no intention of letting _you_ become my equal!"

            "Hey!" Harry whimpered.  "Why'd you have to do that?  Now _almost_ everybody on the ship outranks me!"

            Tuvok cleared his throat innocently.

            "No way…" Kim said in disbelief.  "Well… Naomi Wildman doesn't outrank me… does she?"

            "For the time being… everybody _does_ outrank you." Tuvok admitted.

            Harry buried his face in his hands and leaned his forehead on his console.

            "You're taking this too seriously, Ensign." The captain sighed.

            "Oh sure… _he's_ taking it too seriously." Chakotay mocked.  "Unlike _Super_ Captain over here."

            "You _know_ you like it." She held up one hand.  "Now show some respect for your Super Captain."

            "I'll _respect_ you all right…" He threatened playfully, grabbing her arm.

            "No flirting on the bridge." Tom pointed at the rule sheet, which clearly stated: 'NO FLIRTING ON THE BRIDGE!'

            "I didn't write that one…" Janeway looked confused.

            "I thought you wouldn't notice." Tom said, disappointed.  "That would have been really funny, too." He silently hoped that she wouldn't notice his other additions until later.

            "Ensign!" Seven of Nine walked through the turbo-lift doors anxiously.  "Why are you on the bridge?  You're off duty."

            "I came here to get a button… but instead, the captain _stole_ mine!" Harry replied.

            "_I_ got a button." Seven said carelessly.  "But look what I brought _you_!"

            He looked up and was greeted by a rather nice-looking chocolate cake.  "I'm not in the mood."

            She looked aggrieved.  "Not even… for the Delta Flyer?" She gestured towards the cake hopefully.  "It's looking for a docking bay!"

            "Don't start _that_ again…"

            Seven stared.  "If you eat the cake… I'll give you this button."

            "Really?"

            "Why wouldn't I give a button to my romantic interest?"

            "Don't call me _that_!" Harry grimaced.  "All I am to you is a taste-tester!"

            "Good idea, Harry!" She set the cake on the ground and attacked the unsuspecting officer with a forceful kiss.

            "Maybe we _should_ pass that no flirting rule." Janeway was disgusted.

            "That wouldn't be any fun!" Chakotay looked horrified.

            Harry was finally able to fend off the Borg.  "That's not what I _meant_, Seven!  Take it _easy_!"

            Seven turned a little red.  "I thought you were making a suggestive remark… I think I need more practice identifying those."

            "It's not too hard." Janeway offered.  "You _know_ it when somebody is saying something like that.  For example: I'll _respect_ you, all right." She raised an eyebrow at Chakotay.  "Just for the record, so would _I_."

            "Stop that…" Harry said.  "You're _encouraging_ Seven to act inappropriately!"

            Suddenly, Tom Paris' eyes became extremely wide.  He snapped on his seat belt and threw Voyager into a complete stop again.  The bridge team was thrown to the front once more.

            "Transporter room," Tom blabbered excitedly.  "Beam up these coordinates now!" He galloped out of sight.

            "Get that away from my _eye_!" Somebody in the heap complained.

            "Ow… ow… stop moving like that, you're hurting me." Someone else moaned.

            "My chocolate cake…" Seven mourned, practically flattened under the weight of Tuvok.  "What are the odds?"

            "I'm pinned." Janeway cried.  "Who can move?"

            "I think I broke something this time…" Chakotay breathed.

            "Yeah… you broke _me_!  Try to move." The captain struggled helplessly.

            After much moaning, groaning, and cursing, everybody untangled and stood up.

            "You do that on purpose." Seven blamed, noticing the chocolate stain on Chakotay's uniform.

            "Ow… ow…" He clinched his teeth, holding his arm painfully.

            "Oh sure." Seven sniffled.  "Try to win sympathy from me… I'm holding you responsible for my cake… _and_ my cookies."

            "I'm sure it was delicious." Harry licked his lips, finding his appetite again.

            "You really _did_ break your arm, didn't you?" The captain began fixing her hair again.  "I thought you were just whining."

            "No… ow…" Chakotay cringed.

            "Captain," Seven said.  "I suggest you administer medical treatment on the commander.  It works wonders." She winked at Harry.

            "Don't you ever think about anything _else_?" Harry threw his hands in the air.

            "That's it…" The captain declared.  "Tom's losing all 'promotion day' privileges.  I'm sick of him."

            "Ugh… I'm a _mess_." Chakotay glanced at the state he was in.  "I think there's chocolate frosting in my ear."

            That seemed to intrigue the captain to a certain extent.  "Really?  That's… um… interesting.  Want me to get it?"

            "My arm's broken!  I'm just not in the mood."

            "Men." Seven shook her head.  "When will they realize that resistance is futile and comply?"

            "Hi guys!" Tom returned, unaffected by the mess he had created.  "Look what I found in space!"

            "Unless it's a hairbrush, I'm not interested." Janeway growled.

            "Well… it's actually a bubble gum wrapper… and there's a little comic printed on it.  Is that nifty, or _what_?" Voyager's pilot said.

            Tuvok, being the only person composed enough to return to his station, alerted the group that the ship was being hailed.

            "Oh GOD!  Not when I'm looking like _this_!" Janeway panicked.  "Everybody get to your spots _immediately_!"

            "But I think I'm bleeding internally!" Chakotay argued.

            "_Live_ with it, Commander.  This is more important!  On screen!"

            An unrecognizable alien appeared on the view screen.  "Greetings!" He said, wrinkling his nose when he noticed the condition the bridge crew was in.

            "Hello." Janeway tried to look charming, but it was hard considering her hair was a mess and there was a scrape on her cheek.  "I am Super Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Starship Voyager."

            "Have you been in a battle recently?" The friendly alien was concerned.

            "You've just caught us at a bad time…" Harry explained.  "You know… one of those days?"

            "Kathryn… I need to go to _sickbay_…" Chakotay requested tiredly.

            "Shhhh.  I'm doing Super Captain stuff." She scolded back.

            "Should we contact you later?" The alien asked.

            "No!" The captain waved her hands.  "We're fine."

            "I'm not _fine_!  This could become infected and kill me!" The commander negated her statement again.

            "If you don't _shut_ it, _I'm_ going to kill you!" Janeway said out of the corner of her mouth, smiling afterwards.

            "Gotcha!" Seven announced as she pounced onto Harry, knocking them both to the ground.

            "Kathryn!"

            "Seven, get off of me!"

            "This is illogical!"

            "SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU!"

            "You are insane." The alien remarked shrewdly.  "Do not contact our race… I would be afraid you're craziness would get to my people." The connection was lost, and the other ship sailed away.


	4. After That

            "Are you _happy_?" Janeway leaned against the sickbay wall, holding back tears.  "Can you imagine what those people are _thinking_ after seeing us like that?"

            Chakotay looked mildly guilty, waiting for the doctor to get around to setting his arm.  There had been too many injuries during Tom's last stunt, and the EMH was busy.  "I'm sorry."

            "I'm having a bad day." She added, nodding to herself.  "And nobody seems to notice.  Everybody thinks I'm fine with it."

            "I'm sorry."

            "I thought today might quiet down and I could relax, but _no_!"

            "I'm sorry."

            "Well stop being sorry and _do_ something about it!"

            Chakotay winced.  "I would… but it'll have to wait until this arm gets fixed up… don't you care about that?"

            Janeway slid down the wall until she was sitting on the ground, a miserable look on her face.  "I just want some _help_."

            "I guess that's what I'm here for." He looked ceiling-ward, trying to ignore the steady pain.  "What did you have in mind?"

            "Just a _little_ time off." She held up two fingers to emphasize _how_ little she was asking for.

            "Sorry about the wait Commander." The EMH finally appeared with a medical tricorder.  "Oooh… that's nasty." He commented unnecessarily upon examining the wounded arm.  "What'd you do, arm-wrestle the captain?"

            "If you're trying to make me laugh," Janeway mumbled from her spot on the floor.  "You might as well give up now."

            "Very well." The doctor conceded.  "If you don't mind, I'm going to sedate you now, Commander."

            "It's just a broken arm…" Chakotay argued.  "And I need to get back to my post as soon as possible.  Do you have to?"

            "You're also suffering from head trauma and a variety of other ailments that I would attribute to smashing into a wall at high speeds.  Don't argue with me, I know what I'm doing."

            The patient sighed.  "We'll figure something out later, Kathryn."

            The EMH applied a sedative and Chakotay drifted to sleep.  Janeway stayed on the floor, where she soon fell asleep herself.

            "I didn't know this medical facility had become an inn." The hologram snorted.  "Computer, activate log."

            "Activated."

            "Er-hem.  Today has become a busy one after all.  I've treated more patients over the last couple hours than I have in a few weeks.  Also, the captain has parked herself in a rather inconvenient place on the floor, where she's sleeping.  This kind of erratic behavior is somewhat common from her, but I wish she'd just opted for a nap in her own quarters.  How can I blame her for wanting to be close to me, though?  What would she do without all my insights and advice?  Voyager would practically fall out of space!"

            Seven of Nine could almost cry.  "It's so _difficult_."

            "What happened now?" Neelix asked, drying some pots and pans.

            "I continually _mis_interpret everything.  And the cake was utterly destroyed."

            The Talaxian felt her pain.  "Maybe it's just the wrong time for you to be exploring this kind of relationship?"

            "Why _not_?  There has to be something else I could try?  Suggestions, Neelix, suggestions!"

            "Well," He grinned.  "There is _one_ recipe that _never_ fails."

            "Intriguing.  Should I get the oven mitt?"

            Unlike Seven, B'Elanna _could_ cry.  She was openly weeping into her hands.  "Why does my stupid husband keep crashing the ship… into _nothing_?  Why does he torment me?  Why is everything in engineering… broken?"

            It was true… _everything_ was malfunctioning… except the warp drive.  (A/N: We need to keep that operational for plot purposes.)  There were only three people with any kind of expertise working in the area after all the accidents.

            "We've got a fire over here!" One of the remaining engineers yelled from behind a station.

            "I know…" B'Elanna sobbed.  "And one over there… and over there!  And right here… OW!  There's a fire over here!"

            "My console's short circuiting!" The only other person cried out.

            "That's it… I _so_ quit!"

            Tuvok addressed the replicator in his quarters.  "Access Tuvok file three." He requested soberly.  Startlingly, a horde of striped snakes slithered out of the replicator and onto the floor.  As a mass, they wriggled to Tuvok's door (which opened) and they escaped quickly.

            Tuvok watched about five hundred of them follow this path.  "Dang.  This isn't file three."

            "Eaaaaaaggggghhhhhhhhhhh!" A frightened voice echoed down the corridor.

            "Perhaps I should do something about this." Tuvok wondered, exiting his quarters to find some unconscious crewmembers on the ground.  "Hm.  It appears I have unleashed a herd of violent coral snakes.  Dang." He pressed his comm-badge.  "Captain?"

            "…That's _Super_ Captain until tomorrow morning." She answered groggily.

            "Super Captain, we have a situation." He continued.

            "Explain."

            "Coral snakes are rampaging across deck three."

            "Poisonous?"

            "Extremely."

            There was a moment of complete silence.  "Tuvok… _why_ are poisonous coral snakes rampaging across deck three?"

            "It appears the replicator has not been fixed since the 'button' incident this morning.  We should make haste and begin some course of action, or the whole ship will be overrun."

            "Get the security team on it."

            "You want me to go… _snake_ hunting?" The EMH clasped his hands, excited.  "What happened to your security team?"

            "It has become apparent that they all have phobias against small wriggly creatures… very illogical.  I believe it would be more efficient to take you along so you can administer antidotes to the fallen crewmen."

            "Alright!  I'd be happy to help!" The doctor said, replicating some snake tongs, and two cowboy hats.  "You'd better put this on." He offered one of them to the Vulcan.

            "Why?"

            "I'm just getting into the spirit of things, Commander.  Now let's go wrangle some snakes!"

            "Oh, Crewman Harry!" Seven appeared on the bridge with a large covered plate.  "I'm back."

            "Oh no.  Go hit on somebody else… please?" Harry, (buttonless) tried to ignore her.

            "I have already spent too much time on this project to switch my focus." She explained.  "Now _look_ what I brought _this_ time!"

            "No munchies on the bridge." Tom pointed towards the rule sheet again.  "And no Borgs." There was a new scribble underneath the official rules that read: 'NO BORGS ON THE BRIDGE!'

            "I am no longer a Borg." Seven snarled.  "And this is not a munchie," She whipped the lid off of her plate, revealing a jello sculpture that must have taken hours to form.

            "Wow!" Harry noticed the sugary treat.  "That looks just like Voyager!  That's pretty neat!"

            "Yes," Seven became jolly.  "We are here." She gestured to a small carving that represented the bridge.  "And there _you_ are!"

            He leaned in to look, and sure enough, there was a little yellow jello Harry sitting in the gelatin bridge.  "This is amazing!  But I just ate and am stuffed."

            "But there's _always_ room for jello!  How about a warp nacelle?"

            "Maybe later… it _is_ a really great job!"

            "And for the time being," Chakotay ordered.  "Put it somewhere safe, where it won't get ruined next time Tom stops the ship."

            Seven looked indignant.  "Tom Paris doesn't ruin my baking… _you_ do.  Just make sure you don't roll on my Starship Voyager."

            "I thought it was mine now?" Harry asked hopefully.

            "Oh… yes, I brought it for you." She remembered.  "Does this mean we're on for Saturday night now?"

            "Wha?"

            "Our big dinner date, Harry…" She said.  "I'm cooking up a storm!"

            "…"

            "Ooh… feisty one!" The EMH grinned, unafraid, at a coral snake he had captured.  "I'll name it Alfred."

            "Must you give names to _all_ the snakes?" Tuvok complained, rounding up a few more of the creatures.

            "Of course!  This one is… Betty!" He held 'Betty' up to his face as she tried to bite his holographic nose.

            "They're all just going to be destroyed in the incinerator, so I don't see the point in affixing titles."

            "Well I _do_… how's it going Charley?"

            "And then," Seven flew the jello starship in a little circle.  "Voyager defeated the Kazon!"

            "Haha!" Harry was enjoying the gelatin puppet show.  "Do the one where _I_ save the day!"

            "No, do the one where we fought the Borg Queen!" Janeway, (and the rest of the bridge crew, except for Tom) was absorbed in watching Seven perform recreations of past missions with her sculpture.

            "I would prefer to do today." Seven looked down her nose at the crowd.  "Voyager was flying through space," She began, sailing the model around.  "When _suddenly_ Tom Paris' eyes grew wide!" She jerked it roughly.  The jello wobbled gleefully.

            Everybody started laughing.

            "And then Chakotay rolled on some dessert I had made." She frowned.

            "I _swear_ I'm not doing that on purpose…" He sniffed.

            "This is just so _detailed_!" Harry took the platter.  "I mean… I can see a little Captain Janeway right here… and Chakotay… and Tom Paris."

            Suddenly, Tom Paris' eyes grew wide.  He snapped on the belt and pressed the emergency stop button.  Everybody smashed into the front of the ship, screaming.

            "Transporter room, beam up these coordinates!" He sped out of the bridge, an excited look on his face.

            "I hate him…" Harry decided at the bottom of the heap.  "I really hate him."

            "NO… where is Voyager… where is Voyager?!" Seven tried to get up to look for her creation, but was pinned again.

            As if it weren't bad enough, a hatch above the crumpled bridge crew opened up and Tuvok's snakes fell through.

            "AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Janeway scrambled.  "It's the _snakes_!  Don't get bit!"

            "Too late!"

            "OUCH!"

            Harry was apart from the group, wrestling with a heavy snake.  "Get it off me, get it off me!"

            "What happens if you _do_ get bit?" Chakotay wondered, looking guilty.

            "Don't tell me you got _bit_…" The captain despaired.

            "I didn't say _that_… necessarily."

            "Okay then," She kicked an advancing snake across the bridge.  "I'll tell you.  YOU _DIE_!"

            "Oh." Chakotay promptly fell over, squishing the last bit of the gelatin Voyager.

            "Get it off!" Harry was on his back now, holding the snake's fangs away from his face.

            "Mr. Kim…" Seven watched the match with exasperation.  "That one's dead."

            Harry stopped struggling and discovered it was true.  "Oh.  I _knew_ that."

            "However, that one is not."

            "Argh!" A snake attacked Harry from behind.  This time it was a _real_ wrestling match.

            "That's better." Seven nodded.  A few snakes bit her at once.

            "Seven, they got you!" Janeway was standing on her chair, fending off the horde.

            "My nano-probes make me immune." The Borg bounced on her heels, looking pleased with herself.

            "Where's Tom when you _do_ need him?" Harry suddenly found himself fighting three violent snakes.

            "Help!" Janeway couldn't come up with anything more profound to say as she began to lose the battle.

            "_There_ you are!" The EMH dropped through the hatch, looking at the snakes lovingly.  "This was George's idea wasn't it?"

            "Who's George?" Seven queried, half a dozen snakes climbing up her ankles.

            "One of these little fellas." The doctor started scooping masses of the wiggling creatures into his already heavy bag.  "He's a bit of a ringleader."

            "Get it _off_!" Harry had both his fists around his snake's neck, strangling ruthlessly.

            "Oh, _there's_ George!" The doctor looked relieved.  "Now don't run away again you little scallywag!"

            "Get these ones, Doctor!" The captain (who was now perched on the very top of her chair) pointed.

            "Very well." He gathered them easily.  "Frederick, you shouldn't scare the captain like that.  Tsk, tsk."

            "That tickles." Seven pushed some snakes off her knees, getting bit dozens of times in the process.

            "Oh NO!" The EMH stopped in his snake-catching tracks.  "Chakotay's _dead_!"

            "What!?" Harry, Seven, and the captain jumped.

            "This is _terrible_!" The hologram continued.  "I was hoping he'd make it back to Earth!"

            "Noooo…" Janeway wailed, wringing her hands.  "Why did I have to be so _mean_ to him all the time?"

            "Such a waste." The EMH picked up the dead snake Harry had been battling.  "Poor Chakotay."

            Blink, blink.  "You mean _that's_ Chakotay?" Janeway looked at the deceased snake, confused.

            "Sure!" The doctor said cheerfully.  "And that one's Harry… and there's Tom Paris… and Seven of Nine-Hundred."

            "So what about the _real_ Chakotay?" Harry was backing away from the scene nervously.

            "Oh _him_?" The doctor used one of his hypo-sprays and injected the fallen commander casually.  "He's fine."

            "What happened in here?" Tom returned, smiling brightly.

            "Just a _war_, Lieutenant.  Nothing for someone like _you_ to worry about." Janeway grumbled.

            "Well, look at _this_!" He held up a rotten banana peel proudly.  "What are the odds that I'd find three great treasures on the same day?"

            "Less than the odds of me strangling you right now."

            "Haha." He disregarded the threat.  "You people should _really_ get some seatbelts, you know?"


	5. Later On

            "Snakes suck." Tuvok decided, throwing the last bag of writhing snakes into the incinerator.  It had taken practically all of Voyager's resources to round up all the intruders.

            "WAIT!" The EMH became frenzied.  "Was that the _last_ bag, Tuvok!?"

            "Indeed." Tuvok looked relieved.

            "Oooh… Seven of Nine-Hundred was in there!" The hologram grieved.  "I wanted to _keep_ her…"

            "Maintaining dangerous animals on a Federation Starship is strictly prohibited, Doctor."

            "Seven of Nine-Hundred wasn't _dangerous_… just misunderstood.  Sort of like the real Seven, and you didn't discriminate against _her_!"

            "The real Seven didn't rampage across Voyager _biting_ people in an animal rage."

            The hologram took a moment to think about the Vulcan's last statement.  "You're right… we'd never be _that_ lucky."

            "I didn't mean to make that sound like a good thing…"

            "How could Seven's _biting_ people _not_ be a good thing?" He raised an eyebrow, smirking.

            Little did everybody know that _one_ sneaky, wiggly, slimy snake had escaped capture… and had a plan for REVENGE!  Bwahahahaahahahahahaha!  REVENGE!  Mweeeheeheeeheee!  REVENGE!  Kyahahahahaahahahahah!

…

…

            …Okay… maybe it was just sort of crawling around minding its own business… but _that's_ frightening in it's own way, isn't it?  No?  Let's stick with its plan for REVENGE, then.  Everybody happy?

            She was ticking off the points on her fingers.  "You're off duty.  You're not on the bridge.  I am wearing a striking (not to mention revealing) dress… what _is_ the problem then?"

            "Seven…" Harry was going to explain this as carefully as possible.  "I _never_ invited you to my quarters."

            Seven became distraught.  "Your conclusion is flawed.  I do not need to be _invited_ to show up."

            "So it seems."

            She kept staring.

            "Did you bring food again?" He shrank under her persistent glaring.

            "Affirmative."

            "Did you bring… that button Tuvok gave you earlier?"

            "Naturally."

            "Then… come on in!" He smiled warmly and welcomed her into his quarters… which was actually quite a mess.

            "I see Lieutenant Paris' full stops have wreaked havoc upon your room." She nodded.

            "Huh?  Oh… no… it's always like this." He shrugged.  "I'm going to get straight to the point, Seven.  I _want_ that button!  I will _not_ be the lowest ranking member on this ship."

            She grinned.  "First you will have to eat this fleet of starships… I mean… brownies!"

            "_Then_ you'll give me the button?"

            "_Then_… I'm sure I'll think of something appropriate."

            "Oh no." Harry waved his hands.  "They have holodeck programs for that, you know…"

            "But holograms cannot appreciate my…" She paused intentionally.  "Cooking skills!"

            He winced.  "This is so _wrong_."

            "It's the Starship Reliant!  And it's looking for a docking port!" Seven began a brownie's flight, smiling maniacally.

            "You have a Tom Paris in your hair." Janeway chuckled.

            "Huh?" Chakotay was still quite drowsy from the doctor's snake poison antidote.

            "Want me to get it?"

            "Fine."

            She picked a little jello figurine out of his hair and studied it lazily.  "How did she _make_ this anyway?  It's the _spitting_ image!  Except _this_ Tom isn't crashing the ship every five minutes."

            "I resent that!" Tom murmured from the front of the bridge.

            "It's a shame everything else got squished." The captain shook her head at the gelatin stain beneath the view screen.  There were little snake tracks criss-crossing through it.

            "If you're going to blame that on _me_," Chakotay defended himself sleepily.  "Keep in mind that I've gotten the worst out of Mr. Paris' treasure hunt.  I've completely _ruined_ three uniforms in as many hours."

            "Oh, what a shame."

            "And I broke my arm… and those snakes bit me… I just want to go to bed."

            "Now _what_ did I just tell you?" Tom pointed at his 'no flirting' rule, looking cross.

            "That's not what he meant!" Janeway snapped angrily.  "Right, Commander?"

            "Would you lock me in the brig if I said it was?" Chakotay shook his head suddenly, clearing his mind from the EMH's drugs.  "Uh… I mean…"

            "Great.  You're completely out of it, aren't you?" Janeway threw her hands in the air.  "You said we'd get a chance to talk about me taking a day off."

            "Sure, I'll help you take it off…" He cringed, trying to hold fleeting thoughts together.  "I _meant_, I'll help you take the _day_ off."

            "Uh-huh.  So… when?"

            "Uh… uh… what were we talking about again?"

            "Try to concentrate… you've still got quite a shift ahead of you." The captain sighed.  "Now… _when_ should I take a vacation day?"

            "Tomorrow?" He proposed, triumphantly remembering the word.

            "That's not enough notice…"

            "Of _course_ I notice you!" He misinterpreted again.

            "That's… not what I said.  I think the doctor overdid it."

            "No… I'm okay… I'm okay now."

            Janeway became sorrowful.  "I think I've pushed you too much today.  I should have let you go after your _first_ trip to sickbay."

            "It's been a bad day for everybody."

            "You're right."

            "Okay, that's the last brownie.  Where's my button?" Harry was busily cleaning the chocolate off his face.

            "You have such a great appetite, Harry!" Seven admired.  "I didn't think any normal human would be capable of devouring _twenty-four_ brownies!"

            "Well I did it.  Button please?"

            The Borg smiled seductively.  "You're going to have to find it."

            The former-ensign despaired.  "This isn't fair!  Where is it?"

            "Neelix said that behaving playfully is attractive.  I have devised this clever little game to see if he is correct."

            "Is it in your left hand?" He prayed.

            "No."

            "Is it in your right hand?"

            "No.  You have no imagination."

            "Is it… in your hair?"

            "No.  That would be pointless."

            "Please tell me it's _not_ in your dress…"

            She nodded gleefully.  "It _is_!  Good guessing, Harry!"

            "Okay…" He gulped.  "Can I have it?"

            "NO!  You're going to have to get it!" She giggled, clearly thinking she was irresistibly clever.

            "I don't _want_ to…"

            "Janeway to all senior officers." Harry's comm-badge chirped.  "Please report to the conference room immediately."

            The Borg and the brownie champion stared at each other momentarily.

            "Dang," Harry said sarcastically.  "Guess I'll just have to pass on your game.  Duty calls!"

            Everybody had collected around the conference table.

            B'Elanna was slugging Tom in the arm… over and over and over.  "You… ruined… my… precious… engineering!" She complained, punctuating each word with a swift punch.

            "Ow." Tom assumed an innocent aura.  "Stop doing that!  Want me to tell you a joke I read on a bubble gum wrapper?  OW!  It'll cheer you up!  OW!!"

            "Blinkity… blinky… blink…" Tuvok repeated to himself, hypnotized after an entire day of staring at his console.

            Harry twiddled his thumbs, averting his eyes from a rather amorous Seven of Nine.  She kept staring.

            "Stay focused…" Chakotay repeated to himself, feeling his brain cloud up every so often.

            The EMH sat calmly, observing the insanity surrounding him.

            "STOP BEING CRAZY!" Janeway began her speech.  Everybody discontinued their unusual behavior.  "Thank you.  I called everyone here to inform you all that I've planned a day off for myself.  If there are any concerns about this, please bring it up now."

            Everybody stared blankly.

            "So… everybody's _fine_ with this?" The captain continued.

            Everybody stared blankly.

            "Because if you don't say something now, you won't get a chance later!" She warned them.

            "Okay." The doctor spoke for the silent crowd.  "It's not really a big deal.  We'll all be fine."

            "Not a big deal?" Janeway seemed disappointed.  "Nobody's going to _miss_ me?"

            "What'd you say?" Chakotay looked surprised.

            "I was just hoping someone would miss me."

            "Wait a minute," He shook his head.  "Are you _sure_?  Say it one more time."

            "I was asking if you would _miss_ me."

            The commander looked dumbfounded.  "Uh… okay.  Whatever you say." He grabbed a very shocked Janeway by the shoulders and started kissing her.

            "I didn't catch the suggestive remark!" Seven wailed.  "I always _miss_ it!"

            "There wasn't one…" Harry cringed.  "This is just weird."

            "HEY!" The captain yelled.  "What are you doing, Chakotay?!"

            "But you said…" Chakotay looked truly mystified.

            "I _said_ to _miss_ me, you fool!" She glared.

            "I'm _trying_!" He kissed her again, and this time her entire chair fell over backwards.

            "Oh." The doctor realized.  "I can explain the peculiar behavior we're witnessing in our first officer."

            "Please do." B'Elanna sat a little higher in her chair, trying to see where the command team had landed.

            "Overdose." The EMH looked embarrassed.  "I was so busy trapping snakes… it appears I've made a slight error."

            "I wish somebody would _miss_ me!" Seven yelled across the table, clearly aiming for Harry's attention.

            "You _what_?" Tom addressed the doctor.  "That's not like you!"

            "It's been… an irritating day.  So I made a mistake." The EMH shrugged.

            "What is _wrong_ with you?" Janeway's exasperated voice reached the group.  She sat her chair back up and sat in it determinedly.

            "But…" Chakotay also reclaimed his seat, looking groggy and confused.  "I thought you said…"

            "Well I _didn't_." She said angrily.

            "This is _my_ fault." The doctor admitted.  "The commander _should_ be out of it… I gave him an overdose.  Nothing lethal, of course."

            "Will you give Harry an overdose?" Seven requested.

            "Just make sure you don't do it again, Doc." Janeway growled.  "If that's everything, this meeting's adjourned."

            "Actually, there is the matter of engineering." B'Elanna began spurting out stacks of reports she had been saving up.

            Some of the gathering began drumming their fingers, or humming quietly, blocking out B'Elanna's lengthy report.

            "And the warp core needs to be temporarily shut down so we can begin repairs on…" She continued… on and on and on.

            "Is it just me, or is this extremely boring?" Janeway whispered.

            "…and that console will have to be…" B'Elanna lectured.  "…and of course there's a plasma leak that…"

            "Yep… boring." Chakotay had his hands on his head, focusing.

            "…which short-circuited so we won't have access to…"

            Janeway rolled her eyes.  "You know what?" She whispered.

            "…three hours minimum to complete repairs on the…"

            "Hmm?" The first officer leaned on the table.

            "…main power and even life support…"

            "I just don't _care_ about engineering right now."

            "…and a five hour wait on external…"

            "Me neither."

            "…so we all should be extra conservative when it comes to…"

            "So… how do you suggest we get out of this lecture?"

            "…and help from other specialties…"

            "I can think of a few ways."

            "…so we'll have to divide our resources pretty thin…"

            "Just as long as it doesn't include firing a phaser at our chief engineer.  I'm not _that_ irritated."

            "…even security would be helpful with the elementary repairs…"

            "I _do_ have an acceptable alternative to violence."

            "…so _everyone_ will end up serving a shift…"

            "And what might that be?"

            "…and _that_ is my proposal." B'Elanna looked proud.

            SMASH!  Everybody turned just in time to watch Janeway's chair topple backwards again, taking Voyager's two highest ranking crewmembers to the floor with it.

            "I missed the suggestive remark _again_!" Seven's eyes welled up with tears.

            "HEY!" B'Elanna raged.  "They weren't listening to my ideas!"

            The EMH cringed.  "Uh… Captain?  Do you need help over there?  Because I can't help but feel responsible…"

            There were a few squeaks of complaint and then Janeway's voice from under the table.  "_Warn_ me next time you do that!  I mean… _don't_ do that!  Are you crazy?"

            "You wanted a distraction!" Chakotay argued.

            "This is _so_ unacceptable!  You're _attacking_ me in front of the entire crew!"

            The doctor decided to take action.  "Come on, Commander.  I'll get that antidote out of your bloodstream."

            "_Do_ that, Doctor!" Janeway reappeared, straightening the now dented chair once again.  "And this meeting is _over_, dang it!"


	6. Following That

            "I still can't _believe_ Tuvok incinerated Seven of Nine-Hundred!" The EMH grumbled.

            "That's not so bad." Chakotay, now recovered from the fit of insanity, shook his head.  "At least _you_ didn't assault the captain during a conference with all the senior officers present."

            The doctor chuckled.  "Everybody's going to be talking about _that_ for weeks!"

            "You're not helping.  I'm afraid of what's going to happen when I see her again."

            "Oh come on," The hologram began marching across sickbay thoughtfully.  "She can't _possibly_ hold that against you!  You weren't in your right mind!"

            "That's not going to be a good enough excuse for Super Captain.  Besides, I wasn't _completely_ unaware of what was going on…"

            "If declaring you mentally insane will help, I have certain authorities."

            The commander glared.  "This is serious.  Now if you don't mind, I'm going to hide until my shift tomorrow morning."

            "Promotion Day is officially over." Janeway declared.  It was a new day, and hopefully, a saner day than the previous twenty-four hours had been.  "Why don't you collect all the extra buttons for me, Harry?"

            "Yes, Captain!" Harry jumped at the opportunity.  "I guess I'll start with yours then?"

            She handed the stolen rank over, and Harry regained his ensign-hood.

            "Blinkity… blinky… blink…" Tuvok monitored his console.

            "Keep that to yourself, Commander." Janeway scolded the Vulcan.  "There's no need to say it out loud."

            "Sorry," Tuvok shrugged.  "The lights _told_ me to do it!"

            The turbo-lift doors swished open and Chakotay sneaked onto the bridge.  He tiptoed around Harry's console and thought he had made it to his own seat safely when:

            "Good morning, Commander." The captain didn't really look at him.

            "Hi." He realized it had been stupid to hope she would have forgotten so quickly.  "How are you doing?"

            "Oh, I do just fine when people aren't knocking me out of my chair." She made icy eye contact.

            "You know… the doctor has a whole report explaining how that was _not_ my fault.  Maybe you should read it."

            "Are you telling me what to do now?"

            "I'm making a suggestion."

            Janeway tightened her jaw.  "Well then, may I suggest that you…"

            Suddenly, Tom Paris' eyes grew extremely wide.  (What, you thought he would stop?)  He latched his seat belt and threw Voyager into a violent stop.  Everybody was tossed ungracefully onto the floor beneath the view screen.

            "Transporter room!  Beam up these coordinates as soon as you can!" Tom raced out of the room in a hyper rush.

            "Where'd the lights go?" Tuvok wondered dreamily, flat on his back.

            "I assume I'm being squished because none of Seven's desserts were handy?" Janeway attempted some sarcasm, despite the fact that Chakotay had practically landed on her and her wind had been knocked out.

            "Oh no, you're not hurt, are you?" Chakotay lifted her off the ground.

            "I'm… fine!" She smiled, turning blue from lack of breath.

            "No you're not!  Breathe!" He shook her roughly by the shoulders, forcing her to her knees.

            The captain convinced her lungs to recommence normal activities.  She started gasping helplessly.

            "I must return to the light!" Tuvok hustled back to his console.

            "God… sorry…" Chakotay put an arm around his heaving captain so she wouldn't fall over.  "I think it's time to reassign Tom."

            "Good… idea…" She swayed, a little dizzy from the sudden bombardment of oxygen.

            "Do you want to go to sickbay?"

            "For this?" She tried to kneel without support but hadn't found any balance yet.  "This is… nothing!"

            "Okay, but you're going to have to lay down for awhile." He helped her to her unsteady feet and began leading the way to her quarters.

            "Leave me here!"

            "Oh no.  If you fight, I'll tell the doctor, and you'll be spending the next few hours with _him_!"

            "Tuvok… you have the… bridge." She ordered on the way out.

            "Thank you, I'll take that!" Harry snatched another button from one of his fellow crewmen and placed it on his already crowded uniform.  He had about fifty buttons arranged around his collar.

            "Harry, you look stupid!" Another ensign handed over her extra button.  "Why don't you just put them all in a bag or something?"

            "Duh!  Because I don't _have_ a bag, Einstein!  You're just jealous because _you_ never thought of anything so creative!" He explained while affixing the new button.

            "Harry!" Seven appeared from out of nowhere.  (Well, actually she was hiding under a table waiting for him, but we're not supposed to know that.)  "Have you been assigned to collect all the buttons from yesterday?"

            "Yep!" He agreed proudly.

            "You still haven't gotten mine."

            "Captain's orders… you _have_ to give it to me…"

            "I didn't receive any orders." She said slyly.  "But you still have to get it from me."

            "Seven… give me the button." Harry pointed at his collar.  "I outrank you and this is a direct order."

            "Make me!"

            "That's called insubordination, Seven!  You won't get to work in astrometrics if you keep being stubborn."

            "I can't be _fired_!" Seven grimaced.  "I am the resident super sexy, super brainiac!  I am a required character and will _not_ be fired for any reason!"

            The ensign realized she spoke truth and began to lose hope.  "Okay… let's make a deal then.  What _exactly_ do you want?"

            "Say something suggestive!" She clasped her hands excitedly.  "And make sure I don't miss it."

            "That's not too bad." He shrugged.  "But you're not allowed to jump on me or anything, okay?"

            "Okay."

            "Okay… then… hey baby, how's it going?"

            "Was that _it_?" She looked disappointed.  "Say something _really_ good.  Something like what Chakotay would come up with."

            "Argh!  Why don't you just go ask him then?"

            "I'm asking you."

            "Fine.  What's a nice girl like you doing in a dirty old Starship like this?"

            Seven sniffled a little.  "Is this really the best you can _do_, Ensign?"

            "I came unprepared.  Ah, I've got it!  Do I know you from somewhere?"

            "This is not what I had in mind.  You are spouting insignificant introductory _lines_!  Where is the substance?"

            Harry glared at her.  "Okay fine.  But I'm _not_ saying anything better out _loud_."

            "Tell me." She leaned her head towards him hopefully.

            He began whispering into her ear hurriedly.  The implant above her eye shifted positions on her face as she narrowed her eyes.

            "There." Harry said out loud.  "Was _that_ good enough?"

            Seven considered.  "That was approaching inappropriate, Ensign.  I suppose that's what I was asking for, though."

            "Good.  Where's the button?"

            "Well, according to your whispered statements," She smiled.  "You wouldn't _mind_ searching me for it."

            "This wasn't the deal!  I was just making that stuff up!"

            "Regardless, you have given me some new ideas!  Want to go to your place and try them out?"

            "GIVE ME THE BUTTON!"

            "Hey!" Tom danced onto the bridge.  "Where'd everybody go?  I wanted to show them this spiffy cotton ball that was floating outside!"

            "I wonder where these objects are coming from?" Tuvok examined the cotton ball.  "And I wonder how _you_ can see them without aid from sensors when we are traveling at warp speeds."

            "Nobody else pays attention." Tom explained.  "Now where is everybody?"

            "Ensign Kim is recalling rank buttons." He began.  "And the captain was injured by your recklessness so Commander Chakotay took her away."

            "Oh!" The pilot responded happily as if an injury were something to celebrate.  "Then I guess you and me are in charge for now, eh?"

            "Give me the button!" Harry pleaded angrily.  "I've gotten _all_ the other buttons on the ship except for yours."

            "Be appreciative that I provide such a unique challenge." Seven smirked.  "You have not displayed much ingenuity in this matter.  Where is your ambition?"

            The ensign (if you could still call him that; he had almost two hundred buttons placed randomly across his uniform) bristled.  "My… _ambition_… must still be on Earth."

            "What's up guys?" Neelix walked into astrometrics flippantly.

            "Ah, Neelix," Harry greeted the Talaxian warmly.  "I was just in the middle of explaining to Seven that I _need_ a certain button from her."

            "And I keep saying no." Seven added, as if it were a victory.

            "Why?" Neelix immediately fell into his 'super helpful counselor' mode.  "Certainly members of this crew can come to some kind of reasonable agreement."

            "I provided a compromise." The Borg looked defensive.

            "She wants me to _find_ the button… if you know what I mean."

            "I know what we should do!" Neelix looked almost _too_ thrilled.  "Let's go to sickbay!" He began dragging them both across the ship.

            "I do not see how sickbay will solve this problem." Harry grumbled.

            The Talaxian and his two reluctant friends reached sickbay, pushing everybody inside.

            "Oh, hello." The EMH greeted them.  Strangely enough, he had a vase of flowers balancing on his head.

            "Doctor!" Neelix said.  "These two are having a problem and-"

            "Notice anything… different… about sickbay today?" The doctor interrupted carelessly.

            "Different than what?  Your question is too vague without a frame of reference." Seven replied Borgishly.

            "Different than the last time you were here."

            "Ah yes." She made a quick scan of the surroundings.  "The lights are point two percent different than my last visit to sickbay, you are monitoring a different patient, there is a different report on your computer screen, there are fragments of glass in that corner..."

            "And?"

            "And there is a vase of flowers growing out of your head."

            The EMH seemed to glow with joy.  "Seven!  I never knew you _cared_!"

            "And I never knew you had taken to wearing pottery on your head." She nodded.  "Just when you _think_ you know somebody."

            "Anyway, about this-" Neelix began.

            "I always _knew_ you were my favorite Borg!" The doctor cut him off again.

            "Based upon the personalities of other Borgs… I am not surprised." She watched as a carnation in the vase flopped to one side.

            "Doc, tell Seven to give me the button!" Harry couldn't take the cheerful scene anymore.

            Neelix interjected skillfully.  "They're having a bit of an argument.  Harry's been ordered to collect all the buttons from yesterday's holiday.  It seems Seven's being a bit stubborn."

            "Really?" The EMH looked stern.  "_Bad_ drone!"

            "Eep!" The Borg withered under his disapproval.

            "Bad, bad drone!  Give Harry the button!"

            "Yeah!  Give it to me!"

            She sheepishly reached into her hair and pulled out the button.  "Here you are, Ensign Kim."

            "Wha…" Harry accepted it.  "But I _guessed_ that it was in your hair and you said no!"

            "I am sorry.

            "But you lied to me…" He smiled.  "That's actually kind of attractive, Seven."

            She regarded him plainly.  "Do not flirt with me.  I am sick of you." She departed from sickbay.

            "Huh?" Harry was astounded.  "After all that she's _sick_ of me?"


	7. And Finally

            Once again, all the regulars were occupying the bridge, looking merry and full of purpose.  Fine… I'll be honest.  All the regulars were _not_ there, because Harry was elsewhere.  Tuvok _never_ looks that way and he sure didn't now.  Janeway was too busy thinking about her day off tomorrow to look merry or full of purpose.  Chakotay was too depressed about the probability of never getting home.  Tom was too absorbed with pulling apart the cotton ball to look intelligent enough to have purpose.

            "Ta-da!" Harry arrived dramatically, drawing attention to the overflow of buttons he wore.

            "What are you _doing_, Ensign?" Janeway pointed at the multitude of buttons.

            "Doesn't this make me Super-Duper-Ultra-Nifty-Ultimate-Intelligent-All-Bow-Down-Cool-Dude-Captain?" He smiled.

            "No," The captain shook her head.  "That just makes you Button-Boy."

            The smile disappeared.  "I don't outrank you?"

            "No, you don't."

            "Oh Button-Boy!" Seven danced onto the bridge with B'Elanna.  "We just fixed engineering, Button-Boy!"

            "Don't call me that." Harry pouted and began working at his console.

            "You're done with the repairs, Lieutenant?" Chakotay queried.

            "Yes!  We're actually finished!" The Klingon rejoiced.  "Everything _works_ again!"

            "Great!" The captain participated in her joy.  "Let's test it out, then.  Warp nine, Mr. Paris."

            Tom grinned wildly, tossing the cotton ball aside.  "Have I ever told you guys how much I _love_ going warp nine?"

            "Yes…" The crew answered him lazily as the ship gained speed.

            "We're never getting home!" Chakotay wailed.  "This crew's too _stupid_!"

            "It took you six years to figure that out?" Tuvok looked unimpressed.

            Suddenly, Tom Paris' eyes grew alarmingly wide.  (A/N: The following occurs in _very_ slow motion.)  He dramatically lifted his hand high above his head, preparing to jam the stop button.  He brought his hand down, down, down.  Down to the dreaded 'stop' button.  He was mere centimeters away from completing the halt when:

            "**_NO_**!" (A/N: Slow motion now ends.)  Everybody present had crowded around Tom and were pointing their fingers at him threateningly.  "Don't you _dare_!"

            He sheepishly took his hand away from the console.  "What?"

            "Whatever's out there," Janeway fumed.  "We _don't_ need it.  Do _not_ stop the ship."

            "We don't _want_ wormholes that take us straight to Earth?" Paris looked horrified and a little traumatized.

            "What?" Chakotay felt a little flutter of hope.

            "Back there!" Tom explained.  "Well it's _way_ back there since we're traveling at warp nine!"

            "Did you pick anything up on the sensors, Tuvok?" B'Elanna held her breath as everybody returned to their stations.

            "Negative.  However, I suggest we reverse course to investigate."

            "It would be impossible for Lieutenant Paris to _see_ a wormhole with his _eyes_ while traveling at warp nine." Seven reasoned.

            "It's also impossible to see nickels and cotton balls… but he did it.  Let's check it out, Captain!" Harry choked with anticipation.

            "Absolutely!  Run all scanners!" Janeway couldn't help but hope.  She looked at Chakotay, hoping to find a sense of calm.

            "It is gone." Tuvok suddenly informed everyone on the bridge.  "We have missed it."

            "How?" Chakotay didn't want to give up.  "How is it _gone_ if it was there just a second ago?"

            "It has collapsed.  But it _did_ lead straight to Earth."

            "Heh." Tom didn't seem affected by the disappointment.  "You should've listened!  Nobody listens to me… but I showed _them_!"

            "This is tragic." Seven said tonelessly.  "I think I'll just go back to astrometrics.  See you later Button-Boy!"

            Harry couldn't retort because he was sobbing all over his console.  "I want to go _home_!"

            The captain shrugged and sank into the very back of the captain's chair.  "Look on the bright side… we've only got a few more decades of traveling to do."

            "We were _this_ close!" B'Elanna stood, open-mouthed.

            "Decades." The first officer nodded cynically.  "You are _so_ inspiring, Kathryn."

            "What am I supposed to _do_ about it?" She suddenly wished she were invisible.  "I'm not Super Captain anymore, you know.  Besides, you're supposed to be the calm, rational one who never gets upset by anything."

            "I got sick of that."

            "Home-baked apple pie!" Harry continued weeping.  "I _miss_ home-baked apple pie!"

            "This behavior is illogical." Tuvok decided.

            Suddenly, Tom Paris' eyes got extremely wide.  Nobody tried to stop him as the ship crashed to a stop and the crew tumbled to the front of the bridge.

            "Transporter room!" Tom bolted from the premises.

            "Ouch."

            Nobody bothered to return to their stations.  They just sat in the pile of chocolate crumbs and jello smears waiting to see what Tom might possibly bring back this time.

            "Watch that snake…" Harry said blandly.

            "What snake?  We already got all the snakes." Janeway glanced around but didn't really put any weight in the warning.

            "Not that one, apparently."

            "Ouch… is this one poisonous, too?" She pointed to the mischievous snake, both fangs locked into her ankle.

            "Based off of the luck we've had over the last forty-eight hours, I'm guessing _yes_."

            "We need to add 'No Snakes on the Bridge' to that rule list…"

            "You'll never believe what I got this time!" Tom returned, carrying a slip of paper.  "This was floating out in space!" The slip of paper read, simply:

            The end.

_Elly: Yep.  That's a wrap!_

_GWFan: Thanks for reading the whole thing!  Now get out there and eat some jello!_

_Elly: With Kool Whip… Mmm mmm good!_

_GWFan: Sayonara._


End file.
